Holy Limits
How Caring for Ourselves can be Holy Work
It is hard for caregivers to say no. We were made to help others. It is our true nature to offer ourselves in service. However, helping with no boundaries lands us in a mess of resentment, exhaustion and burn out.
How do we convince the priest, the nurse, the stay-at-home parent, the caregiver of an aging loved one to find time to rest and renew themselves when they are convinced that saying no means letting others down?
We must begin with a theological examination of the nature of this life. In the Christian understanding, we live in a world that has fallen from God. There is darkness, evil in this world. Jesus came to show us how to follow the light, how to find God again, but even Jesus had to battle that darkness. It is very real.
The darkness works brilliantly in the life of a caregiver. It doesn’t tell you not to care for people, no, it tells you to care for them with no limits, to exhaust yourself. It tells you that saying no is failure. It tells you never to say no and then to feel sorry for yourself instead. But the truth is the even Jesus said no.
Jesus went through villages and he didn’t heal everyone. By the pool of Bethsaida, for example, he heals one man. One man in a crowd of wounded and crippled people! Jesus does exactly what God is asking of him, no more and no less.
Jesus also frequently leaves the disciples to rest and pray. And he only engages in active ministry for three years. Much of his life was quiet and unremarkable.
Saying no is a key part of staying well. It is holy work.
Once we have determined that it is holy to say no, how do we go about doing it? Start by being vulnerable. Explain your need to rest. By communicating effectively we can model a kind of self-care that is healthy, even if it is resented at times. And when emergencies and crises arise and we must rush to the hospital on our day off, we can be flexible and take that rest time on another day. In fact, flexibility is key in establishing balance in life.
Remember that balancing is an act of constant adjustment. When you stand on one foot that foot is always moving back and forth. Balance is not a stagnant state. What you need to care for yourself today may be very different from what is needed tomorrow.
My good friend and parishioner Dr. Paige Hakimian speaks about mitigating stress. She tells us to picture our identity as if it were a house with many rooms. What is your main room? Is it you profession, your role as parent or spouse, your gardening? What are the other rooms of your identity? How are they furnished and what is in them? When one room becomes stressful or too full, it is best to move into another room. This gives you space and allows you to wonder and ponder. You are a multifaceted child of God and there is so much grace available to you at all times. Problems do not need to be faced in an instant, often by leaving space you can find a new way to solve, a more creative way to live. Fear and stress are mitigated when you don’t rely on one thing to define yourself but remember that there are many rooms in God’s house for you.
This is holy work because you are holy.You are a child of God.Jesus told us to love God and love our neighbor as ourselves.Jesus told us to love ourselves! Don’t forget that!It is a trinitarian kind of love that he advocates and it doesn’t thrive without the love of self.
Dean Kate...you certainly captured this need. I watched it for years as clergy, but I really had no idea of the deep required love for myself and as well the care-receiver. Thank you...ken